Taking the Adam. Then drumming for the journey. That was good. It was a way to structure the time, something to focus on. I was aware of beginnings of visual changes toward the end of the drumming. After the drumming was over I lay down and paid attention to my breathing without trying to do anything about it. I felt a beginning of melting and expansion. It was so easy now to let light and awareness and energy move through places in my neck and shoulders that have been painfully blocked recently. There were layers of opening, and a sense of the heart expanding and opening. It was a sacred journey that we were all on together.

I thought of various people in my life -- co-workers, friends, etc. I sent love to each of them. Then there was more expansion and I sent love farther and farther out. I was aware of gratitude towards my parents. I sent love to them. I let them know that their jobs as parents were complete. They were free to die, or to live on a while as my friends. I released my attachment to them. I saw that most people are doing the best they know how as parents, even Reagan. It's just that their knowledge, and my own, are so limited most of the time.

I expanded even more. I realized that I don't have to use my mind to direct the light and love. All I have to do is be an open channel. The light has a wisdom of its own. It is awesome to be part of this group channel, to bring light into the earth.

More opening occurred. I went further than I've ever gone before. Somewhere along here my guide suggested that we all hold hands. I was aware of the vastness of the ocean out to my left. I felt that vastness enter me. I don't remember how, but I became aware of an image of nuclear war and of environmental destruction. I thought of scientists. Then I felt as though a slimy, black ooze monster were coming up out of the ocean and engulfing me from the left side. I felt terror, chaos. I felt I was out of control and that I was being consumed and drowned by something chaotic and evil. I seemed to be inside and outside. I felt as if I were losing it completely. The experience wasn't totally new. I had a sense I'd been there before, perhaps in other psychedelic sessions.

Then I remembered that I wasn't alone, so I rolled over onto my left side and I held my guide's hand with both of my hands. The chaos subsided and I rolled again onto my back. I realized that the blackness had gotten me because I as a scientist felt some guilt about the destruction of the earth. I saw the needs of the scientists -- they've been idealized, made into high priests. Now they are be being seen as the bad guys. They are hurt, bewildered, and angry, and they need our compassion.

I felt the same stuff come at me again, but this time I let it through. What came in through me, as water woman, was passed on through the group and sent up the chimney in the consuming fire through the fire man.

Then I rolled over onto my stomach and I felt the reverse flow. Light-fire was coming down the chimney and was cleansing and purifying and washing all the junk into the ocean. I felt good to let it go out of my right side. Through all of this feeling I experienced the reality of the subtle realms of being; and they were as real as the physical, perceptual, emotional, and mental realms.

Later I became aware that I was coming down more, and I felt myself open and close to the flow of light and love. I looked around at the group, and I saw such warmth of human 'being', and the candlelight and fire-light. I exchanged looks and smiles with various people. I felt much love for our camp directorguide, and I appreciated his sharing of his experience of the reality of these nonordinary realms. The dancing we did in each other's places was wonderful. I strongly felt each person's being in his or her place. I got to know more of what it was like to be who they are, and I felt that each person was an aspect of myself. It was so amazing to be human.

At some time during the night I saw our guide as an elder who was passing on his wisdom to us; this whole thing was a giveaway. I saw inner images of his body growing older, becoming a corpse, then a skeleton with teeth falling out. All of this seemed exactly as it should be. I had an awesome sense of the relation of the finite to the infinite, of time to eternity, of mortality to immortality. Then I saw how near I was to the middle of my life and, while I am still looking ahead and taking in more, I am also beginning to turn back and share and give away. I felt very good to be aware of this.

After drinking the orange juice with the 2CB in it, I lay there wondering what would happen next. I was a little apprehensive, but I decided to just trust my guide's decision.

Then I began to feel vaguely uncomfortable. Partly I was just very tired from the strenuous afternoon and early evening. Soon I became aware of some imagery, aqua lightning bolts moving inside a dark human form, moving through the torso and limbs. I felt like I was losing the clarity of the earlier part of the evening. I didn't like what I was feeling. I don't have much sense now of the order of the following experiences, so I'll just list them as I think of them.

I felt physical and emotional pain, and the overstress of the body. I felt that my lifestyle was too stressful and I needed to change. Many images of driving fast on freeways, and I felt a lot of fear that I had not been aware of.

I heard other people moaning and I didn't like it. I thought critically of them and of myself, that I shouldn't be in such a negative place, that it is a childish attention-getting manipulation. I wanted to ask my guide to help me process all that was going on, but I thought that it was not OK to ask for individual attention in the group setting. I was scared, angry, confused. Only when I was really wanting to die did D reach over and touch me. That helped.

I felt a lot of anger about men and women as the night went on. I talked with T some. I cried out some of the pain I'd been in. People so much idealize the feminine in nature and so mistreat it in female humans. It was good to have T hold me as I cried. I didn't care that I was being a distraction for others. Later, I began to feel that I might be able to sleep.

When I awoke it was light. I was still angry and I was afraid to express it. I went into the bathroom and cried for awhile. I wanted to leave. I couldn't just lie in my space. I packed up all my stuff, not sure whether I'd leave or stay. I probably would have left angry or suicidal if the Om Namah Shivah chant hadn't been put on. That created an impersonal space that I could tolerate.

I went back to the beach. It was good to have my power spot to go to. I was glad to find that the spiral I had drawn in the sand was still there. I had with me the prayer arrow I'd made from a reed, feathers, and seaweed. I was glad to have that, too. Very simply and directly I asked for help transforming my relationship with the guide. I went and put the prayer arrow in the sand and I watched the waves wash around it.

I walked along the beach, and I felt stronger and less afraid and more balanced. I saw the guide communing with the ocean, and I felt more ready to meet him.

I climbed up and waited by the house. After the guide returned he came directly to me and greeted me. I felt that something had cleared. We were looking at each other more clearly. His greeting and hug were a real gift and a healing. After that I was able to talk with people. The morning breakfast and sharing were good. I felt that I had found a new inner strength.

In the week since, the experience has come and gone a few times. But basically I feel both stronger and more gentle and open. And I am more compassionate with myself and with other people.